Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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