Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
