I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize