and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
