I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
