so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
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Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
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