Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
