I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
