U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
