My friends, they love my intelligence
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
