We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
