the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
did i just pee glitter
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
