Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
