did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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