my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
now i know why i became what i already was.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Found the puke drawer
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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