A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
