I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
