What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize