I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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