I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
