Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
