Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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