I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
wanna go halves on a baby?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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