your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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