we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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