i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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