Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
