I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
not ubering you a puppy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
