I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
