its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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