mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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