He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
