nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
