OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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