the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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