I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
