i can't believe i had my finger in that
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Congratulations! We have a period
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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