Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
