I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
