She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
