Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
