My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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