24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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