Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
