We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
