Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
