I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
