all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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