you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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