It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
