Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
