I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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