somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
