didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
