I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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