My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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