Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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