my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
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I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
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How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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