I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
